


Play It Cool

by jimmoriartyisthebestboss



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve Rogers Has PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 03:25:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18438053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimmoriartyisthebestboss/pseuds/jimmoriartyisthebestboss
Summary: Steve Rogers has been having PTSD fueled nightmares. His only relief is when he gets to talk to Bucky whose under cryogenic freeze. But when Bucky is released from cryogenic freeze, will he remember Steve's conversations?





	Play It Cool

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> The title of this piece is from the song Play It Cool by Monsta X.
> 
> I wrote this piece before Black Panther was released and before the Infinity War prequel comics were released which is why there is a lack of Shuri.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!

The door creaked quietly as Steve pushed it open. The sound made him wince internally and he slid it open wider. His body slipped past the cool metal and he stepped into the dark room. The place was quiet as it was the middle of the night and all the logical people were sleeping. Steve wasn’t logical. His night clothes stuck to his skin with sweat and his hair was tousled from turning over in the bed. When he had awoken from his dream, shaking, he had slipped from his room and down the hall. He had been doing this for the past few weeks, slipping from his room whenever he had a nightmare.

The first few nights he had wandered the halls and always ended up in the same place. The room where Bucky was kept. On the fourth night of this excursion, he had opened the door and sat beside the machine Bucky was in. The last few nights he had begun to speak.

Darkness pressed at the windows and Steve could barely see the tops of the trees outside. During the day, it was a stunning view. At night, it felt oppressive, like the night was trying to break in and steal Steve’s worst thoughts and dreams. He shook his head at this irrational fear as he stepped up to the machine. He had thought about dragging a chair in, something for him to sit on as he talked but found the cold press of the floor helped him focus. Now he stood staring into the machine and barley able to see Bucky’s face.

“Hey Buck.” His voice sounded rough to his own ears. He didn’t know if Bucky could hear him but these nightly visits made him feel better none the less. “I... couldn’t sleep again. I don’t think I ever got to tell you about the dreams.”

Clearing his throat, Steve sat on the ground and leaned against the machine. It felt cold on his sweaty back and he breathed in. “It’s the same. You would think I would think about Peggy eh? She’s there sometimes, telling me it’s not my fault. Just like she did that day. But all I see is....”

He trailed off and cleared his throat again. “Is you falling off that train. Those screams haunted me. Even when I came out of the frozen hell that I was in and slept for the first time again, those screams carried to me. I could have saved you.” Steve fiddled with the edge of his shirt. “But I failed you Buck.”

Leaning his head back, Steve closed his eyes. “They found a way to help you Buck. Get rid of the brain washing, even worked on a new arm for you. They said they can’t help the memories though. Sometimes I wonder if we just have to learn to live with the pain.”

Silence descended upon him and Steve heard the soft whirring of the machine as it cooled down again. He opened his eyes to look out into the darkness. “Remember how we used to sleep together? It was so... intimate but you never tried anything. You knew that I needed that comfort. I wish I had it now. I haven’t slept in.... a long time.”

He breathed in as the machine made another clicking sound. “Logically I know you can’t hear this.” Scoffing, he picked at his shirt again. “But I’m hoping some part of you does. It feels good to confess. When I came out I had no one and I tried to fit in with the others. Then I saw you on that bridge and you didn’t....”

Steve dropped the edge of his shirt and stood, pacing back and forth in front of the machine. His anxiety manifested in this constant need to move. “You didn’t recognize me and I knew I’d do anything to get you back. And I did but now...” He waved a hand at the machine holding Bucky.

Steve glanced out the window and noticed the starting tints of sunrise in the distance. Pink peaked across the trees and Steve cams to a stop in front of the machine again. Pressing his hand to the cold window, he stared into the face of his best friend and the only man he loved. “If I ask one thing Buck, one thing when you come out of here, it’s that you don’t hate me. Don’t hate me for what I’ve said or am about to say. I did all I did because.... I love you Buck. In the most romantic way possible, I love you. I’m with you till the end of the line.”

Sliding his hand off the glass, Steve turned to look at the sunrise. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” The words finally spoken, Steve slipped from this room to his own to await his fate.

* * *

  
A gentle hand shook Steve’s shoulder. After his excursion to see Bucky, Steve had gone back to his room with the full intention of waiting until they could see if their ideas worked on Bucky. Instead he had fallen into a sleep filled with the image of Bucky before and Bucky now. The hand was cool on his shoulder and he grumbled quietly.  
“Mr. Rogers, Mr. Barnes is asking for you.” The female voice informed him and shook his shoulder again. Steve flipped over and cracked open his eyes, the light blinding. “Are you coming?”

Steve nodded, throwing off his blankets and getting up from the bed. The attendant left and Steve changed into the nearest outfit. A pair of jeans from the day before, a black sweater that had been folded on his chair and a pair of tennis shoes. Steve pushed his hair back as best he could and moved from the room.

When the attendant saw him, she nodded and started down the hall, her heels clipping on the floor. “Mr. Barnes has been asking for you for a while but he is only just recovered enough. The procedure went well.” They moved through a set of double doors. “The new arm seems to have attached itself well and despite using all code words, Mr. Barnes has kept his sanity.”

“He wasn’t insane. He was brain washed.” Steve flinched at the coolness in his voice.

“Of course. My apologizes.” She said, turning to look up at him. That look made him feel small. “Although we believe the procedure to have gone well, we ask you don’t use any triggering code words and to be careful with him. He is quiet beside himself to see you but we do not wish for him to hurt himself.”

Steve nodded in agreement. “Of course.”

“You may proceed.” She said, holding the door open as Steve moved inside.

The room was set up as if it was a hospital. The bed had the same thin linens and a simple nightstand. A chair was next to the bed and on the bed lay Bucky. When Steve entered, Bucky sat bolt upright, his new hand clutching at the blankets. “Steve.”

Steve stopped, holding up a hand. “Woah it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“No, it’s not...” Bucky trailed off as he saw his metal hand and released its grip. “It’s not that.”

Moving across the room, Steve took the chair and kicked it closer to the bed. He lay his arms across the sheets and leans heavily into the mattress. “How is it?”

“Strange. The limb feels like my own and my thoughts feel.... clear.” Bucky looked down at the hand and flexed the fingers. When he looked up again, he reached the new arm forward.

Steve instinctively flinched back and Bucky stopped. “S...sorry Buck. Instinct.”

“It’s okay. They said it had receptors in it, like nerves to feel things. I wanted to try it.”

Steve nodded and sat still as Bucky slipped his fingers into Steve’s hair. Steve waited for Bucky to grip his hair tightly and try to rip his throat out. Instead, Bucky ran his fingers through the silky strands. Bucky’s face was one of pure bliss and Steve closed his eyes. “Feels good Buck.”

Bucky’s fingers froze in Steve’s hair and then disappeared. Steve’s eyes flew open, his stomach twisting. What he found was Bucky staring at him curiously. Steve shifted in his seat as Bucky continued to stare. “Did you talk to me while I was frozen?”

The words frozen in the air. They seemed to take all the air out and Steve stared. He stared until his eyes watered and he had to look down. “I did.”

More words added to the frozen air. “Was it all true?”

Jerking his head up, Steve met Bucky’s eyes. Slowly he nodded.

Bucky sat quietly, fiddling with the blankets edge. Steve watched in silence. It seemed to stretch. Then Bucky took a breath.

“I love you too Steve.”

The words crashed into Steve like a wave. The air returned to his lungs and he jumped up, leaving the chair to skitter across the room. “What?”

“I love you too.” Bucky repeated the words quietly.

Steve didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. The greatest declaration of love had been made, decades in the making. Instead, Bucky had opened his arms and Steve had fallen into them. They had remained like this till the nurses came. Bucky asked to stay with Steve, arguing that he would heal better this way. The nurses didn’t believe it fully but saw the love the two bore and agreed. That night they went to Steve’s room.

Blankets were still tossed about the bed and Steve had blushed and stammered, making up excuses. Bucky already knew that this was an after effect of nightmares. Nightmares that haunted him too. Without saying a word, Steve had arranged the blankets and the pillows. The bed was larger than the one they previously shared in Bucky’s apartment, but it didn’t matter. Bucky had stretched across the bed and Steve thought it was the most comforting scene he’d ever seen. Steve had then slipped in next to Bucky.

A cool, metal arm slipped around Steve’s waist. Turning back, Steve kissed Bucky lightly on the lips. They remained like this for several minutes until Steve turned over and pillowed his head on his hands. “Goodnight Buck.”

Bucky’s arm tightened around Steve’s waist. “Goodnight Steve.”

And they slept. Nightmares came and they woke each other to banish them. As long as they were together there wasn’t a battle they couldn’t fight. They’d found each other again and in that found their humanity and safety. They weren’t going to let anyone take that away.


End file.
